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Contemporary relationships between men and women are a whole world apart from the traditional relationships of our parents, where gender roles were clearly defined and it was unheard of for a man to talk about his feelings and emotions.

Before the gay and feminist movements of the 60’s and 70’s heterosexual men seldom talked about their emotions for fear of being called a ‘Puff’ or a ‘Jessie’. Thankfully, we have moved on from such narrow minded views and today’s men are much more willing to unload their emotional baggage.

However, sexual equality and male emotional expression has brought about fresh challenges for both sexes. An increasing number of men are experiencing an ‘identity crisis’ and women are faced with learning how to handle the emotional baggage of their partners.

Headlines such as, ‘Death of the Dad’, may cause some men to question their role and necessity in relationships. Due to the advancements in fertility treatment and the accepted fact that same sex relationships can offer the same stability and support for the healthy development of children, the traditional role of men has been brought in to question. Does this mean that Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, “survival of the fittest’ will see the penis being made redundant to fertility treatment?

Any counsellor, coach or therapist worth their weight in gold will tell you that one of the most powerful tools they have is the ability to listen without judgement and have unconditional regard for the needs of their clients. Advice for lasting relationships doesn’t necessarily need to be any more complicated than this. Effective listening is an essential skill for women to be able to handle the emotions of their partner.

We all know how respected women are for their ability to listen empathetically and yet sometimes we can still find ourselves slipping in to our default positions of being critical or ambivalent when seeking to understand our partner’s issues.

These are two simple and yet useful understandings for effectively listening and communicating, which will support you, support his emotional baggage.

Parent and Child; Listening as an Adult

Transactional analysis helps us to realize that during moments of emotional stress both your partner and you can default in to particular ‘ego states’; parent, child or adult. ‘Ego states’ affect how we think, feel and behave and consequently may influence how you listen and communicate their emotional issues. Becoming the caring and concerned partner (nurturing parent) can bring out the adaptive child in him, and potentially result in them being needier of you or even affecting his self esteem.

The parent in you

Interacting from the position of parent can result in you being either critical (controlling) or caring and concerned (nurturing) towards his emotional needs. Most will agree that being critical is seldom of any use, and I say, ‘seldom’ because there is a therapy called ‘provocative therapy’, yet I recommend that you avoid being critical at all costs.

We also need to be mindful of the fact that nurturing our partners emotional needs can sometimes be unhelpful, particularly when our care and concern results [with the best intention] in us offering solutions and advice. This can have the undesired effect of bringing out the ‘child’ in them and result in your partner becoming needier of you.

As a coach I never offer advice or solutions to a client, as this would not be respecting, recognising or reassuring them of my faith in their ability to find the solution to their issues themselves. It is important to always allow your partner to retain as much ownership for identifying his own solutions.

Listening as an adult

The most resourceful, supportive and caring ‘ego state’ any partner can adopt is generally that of an adult. This is the grown up rational person in you and who demonstrates the greatest level of support, respect and recognition of your partner’s abilities, by listening and talking with them with rational and reason. This allows them to feel cared for and take ownership for finding the solutions for themselves.

The Power of Questions

Just as some say that the ‘pen is mightier than the sword’, so to are questions mightier than answers. Listening hard and asking questions rather than providing what you feel is the answer to his issues is a very powerful source of support. This stems form something known as ‘Socratic Dialogue’, and by asking reasoned and rational questions, you enable your partner to reflect and think independently and critically about their own actions and choices until they arrive at the solution.

Top Tips

• Resist the temptation to offer advice or solutions
• Listen and the listen some more
• Listen without judgement
• Recognise that the solution to everything is within the individual
• Questions are more powerful than answers
• Ask questions that encourage them to reflect on their own thoughts and interpretations of an issue. Questions such as;
• How can you be sure of that?
• What else might it mean?
• What would (someone they vale and respect) do?
• What would you like to happen?
• How would you feel if?
• How could things be different?
• What do you need?

A Different Perspective

No matter how hard we listen and seek to support the emotional needs of our partner, it can sometimes become a bit of a challenge when we are stuck in see things from just our own point of view. We become a much greater source of support for our partners when we are able to see things differently by adopting a fresh perspective. This simple technique is great to allow yourself to see things differently, gain some clarity and appreciate things from your partner’s point of view.

Step 1 – the adult you

Ensure you are in the Adult ‘ego state’ and are thinking, listening and behaving with a reasoned and rational head.

Step 2 – your own point of view

Consider things from your own point of view. How do you feel about their issues and concerns? What do you feel is important to them? What do you see as their needs and to what extent do you feel they are they being met? How might you be hindering or helping them? How are they making you feel? What do you need to change in your approach to handling their emotions?

Step 3 – their point of view

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and as your partner ask what you think about them (you)? How is your partner (you) coming across to you (remember you are asking yourself these questions as if you are them). To what extent do they (you) understand me? How do you feel about what they are saying? What would you like from them (you)? What could they (you) say that would be really helpful?

Step 4 – third party perspective

Allow yourself to become a detached observe and place yourself in the shoes of a stranger, observing you supporting your partner in order to consider the wider picture. As a stranger, ask yourself what these two people (you and your partner) are verbally and non-verbally giving one another? How well are they in tune with one another and what needs to change so that she can support her partner better? What questions could you ask either of them to support them in working together to resolve his needs?

Step 5 – what have you learnt

Ask yourself what learning’s you can take from this and what they would enable you to tell yourself to do that would be more supportive for your partners. How are you coming across to him and what do you need to change.

On reflection many may argue that not every man is experiencing an identity crisis and generation by generation there will be fewer men that will be able to identify with the traditional roles of our parents. Equally, many men are embracing this new ear of emotional openness and equality between genders with all of their vigour and enthusiasm.

However, whether your partner is in despair with his identity or simply experiencing the emotional turmoil of a much more competitive, global and demanding life, you will be able to revisit and enjoy the benefits that both of these approaches can bring to a lasting relationship.

Author - J. Keightley (PGcert Coach, Cert Prac NLP)

Published in New Woman magazine 07/2007

written by admin \\ tags: Coaching, NLP

Coaching really seems to have taken off in the past few years and there are now many people offering their services as personal life and business coaches. However, as the profession remains unregulated there is equally a degree of confusion about what coaching is. By examining an understanding of coaching it may be possible to identify the extent to which it is underpinned by psychological models and theories. Like many, you might also be interested to discover the psychological background of coaching and particularly that which is based on a powerful approach to facilitating change, neural linguistic programming (NLP).  Additionally, from exploring the psychological roots of coaching you will be able to recognise some of the congruence’s and disparities between post war psychology and the core concepts of NLP itself. Unfortunately, a fuller picture of NLP is beyond this journey of discovery and many areas of NLP and coaching may be something you will want to explore later yourself.

A search for coaching on the internet reveals coaching is now commonly associated with life and corporate coaching and seems to have surpassed the traditional views perhaps once held by many, those being that coaching was something performed on a sports field or in a gymnasium. The dictionary defines coaching as “to instruct, direct or prompt as a coach” (www.dictionary.com), which might be congruent with the use of the word coach in the later context. However, in terms of life or business coaching many would argue that it conflicts with the very concepts and ethos that professional coaches base the foundation of their skills on. This is because many professional coaches recognise the benefits and importance of being able to facilitate change work in a non-directive approach.

This is one of the most fundamental concepts of coaching, because it ensures that the client retains as much ownership as possible over the outcomes of the coaching and the solutions they find. Consequently, the real or perceived extent of ownership increases the extent in which they believe in what they need to do and increases the likelihood of permanency.

Coaching is essentially seen as a means of developing people so they perform more effectively and achieve their full potential. Wikipedia.com offers a very good explanation of the contemporary understanding of it;

“A coach is a person who supports and directs another person via encouragement and asking questions. It differs from a mentor in that a coach rarely offers advice. Instead, they help the client to find their own solutions, by asking questions that give them insight into their problem(s). The major benefit of a personal coach is that they hold their client accountable. So if the client has agreed to a plan of action, their obligation to the coach will help motivate them to complete their plan.”

However, just exactly how new is this concept and to what extent is it dependent on scientific approaches and understandings?

Psychologist or homo psychologicus?

It is claimed that coaching has been around since the days of our early ancestors, in one form or another, when we evolved to become much more technically advanced and social adept, requiring us to be able to learn and develop. This has an inherent survival value and from the perspective of Darwinism it may be argued that such abilities enable us to evolve and survive for the purpose of gene transmission. This perspective may be extended by studies that suggest we have an innate desire to learn and develop. Mythological studies by Joseph Campbell (1949) postulated that, “we are all predisposed across cultures to overcome obstacles, learn and discover new things about ourselves that seems a common inclination to pursue self discovery”.

Not only does it seem that we have a desire to learn and develop, but we are also motivated to support others in their own development and to act in a manner indicative of coaching. This innate predisposition is also echoed in research by Whitening & Whitening’s Six Cultures Project (1975) who identified that there are cultural similarities amongst mothers who share a common goal of, ‘caring, socializing and transmitting cultural knowledge to their children’. This highlights supportive behaviour that is reminiscent of a rudimentary concept of parental coaching to ensure off springs learn and develop the necessary tools for survival within their own society; communication and independence in technically advanced western societies and hunting and farming in the non technical agricultural societies.

These studies seem to imply that we are all coaches from birth and have innate abilities to seek self discovery and development, to support and coach others in personal development and learning. Nicholas Humphrey (1984) described us as ‘nature’s psychologists’ or homo psychologicus , meaning that, as intelligent social beings, we have the ability to feel, think and understand our own behaviour. Consequently, this assists us to understand the behaviour of others in a process known as ‘Theory of Mind’, which is a subjective ability to mind read and gain insights in to what others may be thinking or experiencing based on our own thoughts, feelings and knowledge. Together with this and an understanding of our own behaviour we are able to guide our own and others development.  However, there are drawbacks to this in that it does not always serve us accurately and it can lead to us making inaccurate assumptions. Nevertheless, our own schematic knowledge and experiences, combined with the concept of ‘theory of mind’ are more often than not, useful in enabling us to gain subjective insights in to a person’s world. However, to what extent can insights in to behaviour be obtained and used to coach people from the perspective of a homo psychologicus with little understanding of the psychological causal relationship between their facilitation as a coach and the behavioural change brought about in the client. Many may argue that human behaviour can not be simplified and understood at a level of knowledge possessed as homo psychologicus and that it requires a deeper and broader psychological understanding.

It is difficult to ignore the hugely influential effect that science and psychology has had on coaching. Therefore, it might be interesting to explore some of these approaches and the extent to which they can effectively bring about change through a coaching relationship, in terms of professional psychological coaching rather than as a homo psycologicus coach. One particular psychological approach is neural linguistic programming (NLP), which has seen increasing popularity as a practical applied approach to coaching.

Many of the theories and models of coaching are underpinned by the various psychological approaches that have developed during the post war years; one of which is the use of neuro linguistic programming. Developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder, it stands to represent a very scientific and practical application of psychological concepts and techniques that enable a subjective understanding to be gained from people’s experiences. NLP is reminiscent of many post war psychological approaches, which depart from pre war traditional methods of psychological investigation known as ‘introspection’. This is the idea that we can gain useful insights in to human behaviour by looking in to our own minds.

Behaviourism is considered the first alternative approach to this and emerged during the 1950’s. It adopts a very methodical and scientific approach by studying only observable behaviour, placing little or no reliance on subjective conclusions (mind reads). The idea was that behaviour could be understood by observing connections between stimulus and behaviour alone and without any reference to the mind or consciousness. Behaviourism sees behaviour resulting from internal neurological responses to stimulus, placing a significant amount of acknowledgement on environmental influence and innate capacities. However, it also regards individuals as having very little agency over their behaviour and that all behaviour was either innate or a learnt response through operant or classical conditioning (area of behaviour explored in much more detail by Burrhus Frederic Skinner, who himself was influenced by Ivan Petrovich Pavlov) where consciousness is simply regarded as a by-product of the brain with no causal effect.

The 1960’s brought about further changes with a move towards cognitive psychology and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which permeates throughout many coaching models. Cognitive psychology argues that complex human behaviour could not be simplified or explained in terms of stimulus response processes and advocated that not only do we have greater agency over our behaviour, but that it is dependent on the way in which information is processed and previous knowledge integrated in to our own behaviour. Interestingly, cognitive psychology also sees there being higher levels of cognitive processing and describes the brain in a metaphoric computer like way. Information is received via the senses, processed in various ways that result in outputs that enable us to make sense of our social world, which in turn guides our behaviour. In this respect some degree of concord can be drawn between cognitive psychology and neuro-linguistic programming, which also regards behaviour being determined by conscious and sub-conscious processes, operating at different levels and that is influenced by the integration of our own knowledge and experiences in a process called ‘filtering’. NLP also advocates that individuals, to a large extent, have a significant amount of control over their behaviour and that everyone has the resources or access to the resources to change or achieve desired outcomes.

Clearly, coaching can be approached from a very scientific and psychological perspective, which affords insights to be gained in to the subjective experiences behind a person’s behaviour that enable the client to recognise the solutions for themselves. Whilst coaching has evidently formed part of our lives for centuries and seems to be an inherent and innate adaptive skill, it is also evident that homo psychologicus approaches do not yield the greatest in sights for professional coaching.

References

1. Burton. K and Ready. R (2004). Neuro Linguistic Programming for Dummies. J. Wiley & Son Ltd, England.

2. Campbell. J (1949) www.workplacecoaching.com/pdf/HistoryofCoaching.pdf

3. Datta.S, Lyon. I, Mackintosh. B, McLannahan. H, Murphy. K, Naish. P, Nettle. D, Romero. I, Toates. F, Whatson. T (2006). SD226 Book 6. Emotions and Mind. Milton Keynes, The Open University, England

4. Datta.S, Lyon. I, Mackintosh. B, McLannahan. H, Murphy. K, Naish. P, Nettle. D, Romero. I, Toates. F, Whatson. T (2006). SD226 Book 1. From Cells To Consciousness. Milton Keynes, The Open University, England.

5. Dilts. R (1990). Changing Belief Systems with NLP. Meta Publications, Calafornia, United States of America.

6. Hobhouse (1993) cited in Oates. J. (2004) page 260 – 261.

7. Humphries. N (1984) - www.blackwellpublishing.com

8. Oates. J. (2004). ED209 Book 1. The Foundations of Child Development. Milton Keynes, the Open University, England.

9. www.wikipedia.com

written by admin \\ tags: Coaching, NLP